Gourmet babies.

I visited Vox Popoli's blog a couple of days ago, and I was delighted to find a virtual playground for hyper-conservative kids with tribalistic hostility and extended vocabularies (Vox, on the other hand, is pretty decent). It's funny; I'm 18, and they're like 40. What exactly would you think of a situation where middle-aged, Jesus-loving, coots are ganging up on my opinions? I couldn't expect more attention or criticism if I were the president. It's quite flattering knowing that people are paying attention to my comments and coming to my blog to make fun of me. Then again, I'm not the one that looks like an asshole. They must be very threatened by un-conservative tides. Poor fools, unwilling to come to terms with the fact that it's okay to laugh at babies being eaten.

I have to admit: I googled "eat babies," and the image retrieved was this. I don't know about you, but this says to me eating babies is about the equivalent to fuzzy, white kittens. Well, what's so wrong with eating babies? The idea isn't even that novel. Jonathon Swift's A Modest Proposal makes some very excellent arguments: there is an overpopulation problem, babies make good food, and they taste delicious. If we ship thousands of unwanted babies to third world countries where people are dying from malnutrition, I'm sure some sort of solution could be worked out. Why don't they eat their own babies, you ask? Well, since they suffer from malnourishment, their babies can't be that meaty. They need some good, hearty babies born from America's zaftig teen mothers (the ones that end up being irresponsible and neglecting the chubby little guys, who end up becoming petty criminals from bad neighborhoods).

In fact, America is shockingly behind in the field of eating babies. As you can see here, the Chinese have been eating babies for years. Does America want to be labeled as a barbaric nation for not keeping up with current trends in gourmet cooking? No. Call your Congressman today, and demand your right to babies.

Yes, this was meant to offend everyone. Or whatever.