Lifetime: Television for idiots.

One evening as I was leaving my house, my mom stopped me and said, "Be careful. There are some bad people out there. I just saw this movie where this girl..." blah blah blah. I came to the realization of what she was talking about. "Mom, were you watching Lifetime?" Don't get me wrong; my mom is incredibly insightful and shrewd about most things, but when it comes to American culture, she's still one foot in China.

Ah, Lifetime, how almost-persuasive you are. If you didn't know, Lifetime is advertised as "television for women." They're a champion in bad TV movies usually starring obsolete actresses like tall girl from Saved by the Bell and Chandler's mom. But what their advertising slogan isn't telling you is their strong social message. That is why I am here today: to clarify the complex nuances of Lifetime.

The many tenets of Lifetime:

1. Women are always being kidnapped, raped, molested, stalked, killed, assaulted, and victimized, but they maintain their dewy, fresh beauty and silky, styled hair.

2. Women, when not being kidnapped, raped, molested, stalked, killed, assaulted, and victimized, are hustling money from rich, old bastards and sleeping with their young, stupid sons.

3. Teenage girls are always popping out babies like clockwork.

4. Using the same soundtrack over and over is NOT a crime of cinema.

5. Correction: TV movies are NOT legitimate forms of cinema; therefore, it is permissible to use the same soundtrack over and over.

6. All actresses will eventually be desperate enough to star in a TV movie.

7. Men are scary, and we should all be scared of them because they will kidnap, rape, molest, stalk, kill, assault, and victimize.

8. Cable television will show any crap.

9. It is not desperate to repeatedly show The Nanny and The Golden Girls over and over, hoping for some sort of ratings.

10. It is not desperate to air a new reality show that has nothing to do with women, hoping for some ratings.

Tune in to New Movie Mondays where you will see more of the tenets of Lifetime.