Lance, you've created a monster.

If you happen to be one of the altruistic supporters of Lance Armstrong's cancer bracelet campaign thingy, you're a dumbass. Well, aren't you shocked and insulted. How dare I say that after you forked over a buck for an ugly bracelet that supposedly shows how charitable and supportive you are of stuff like cancer, troops, and "freedom." I don't know how to tell you this, but you're not a good person. You're on some freaky power trip that is so prone to manifest itself among young, white liberals (who are often blond and wear American Eagle) because they think they have some sort of good intention to change the world.

And you are. You are changing the world. You're making it worse by wasting electricity and water, by drinking and driving, by flaunting your stomach fat in your midriftless shirts, and especially by imposing those hideous bracelets into our lives. If you think you're actually solving "the problem" by wearing some stupid bracelet with the word "respect" on it, you are sadly misled. Because you are the problem. And you're not solving it in any way ever.

But the thing is, you really have no intention to sacrifice yourself for anyone else's well-being. Those damn bracelets are more for aesthetic value than for anything else (which proves the bad taste of the AE-wearers). Look, since you really don't care about a lot of stuff like respect and cancer, don't pretend like you do. Please, just be honest and get rid of those ugly-ass bracelets. You're not fooling anyone.

Thank you.