You use it to make beer!

I am thoroughly struck by Cameron Diaz and her army of chimps as they trek through rainforests in the name of "environmentalism." Okay, so what if I stole this story from The Daily Show. It was far too amusing to pass on. If you look at her face, the stupidity is written all across it, the dumbfounded look fully glazed across her eyes. And this is what actually semi-legitimate leftists agendas have come down to: complete exploitation by pop culture to sell to my generation's lazy, extravagant, and inconsequential attitude.

To quote USA Today (as pointed out by Lewis Black):
[Kid] Rock, Diaz says, initially scoffed at their talk about the importance of clean waterways. "He was like, 'I don't need any water.' We were like, 'You need water to make beer!' He was like, 'Oh, my God!'"

And I was like, "He totally bathes in beer when he's not shooting rats at the dumpster."

On Eva Mendes:
"She couldn't get up (alone) in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom because she was afraid she'd run into a spider. She can't even SEE a spider," Diaz says.

Yes, and every time I see an HIV retrovirus I run and scream, "OH MY GOD! KILL IT! KILL IT!"

"I don't think that kids know that the world's available to them," Diaz says. She hopes Trippin' will get them to follow some grumpy-dad-type advice about saving electricity and other resources.

Wow, because I was pretty sure that the show was about watching famous people looking stupid as they wander aimlessly through third world countries. Then again, how else are you going to sell environmentalism? Death threats seem a little extreme. But you have to wonder if Diaz really buys into that. My guess is that she does since that's what MTV told her tiny brain, but the profits can't hurt either.

Being a "Scrub"

It is Tuesday night once again. I have just aced my organic chemistry final. One more exam to worry about: electromagnetism. Speaking of electromagnetism, back to Tuesday night primetime television. Where is Scrubs? Where is it, I demand! Some network bastards have replaced it with a very special Law & Order crossover. So, I settle for Sex and the City, where Carrie the Moron (a story for another day) snarkily refers to Mikhail Baryshnikov as "The Russian."

Despite the little entertainment faux pas, I still highly prefer Scrubs to Sex and the City. The magic of it all is the novelty of a doctor sitcom. I believe the last doctor sitcom was Doogie Howser, an artifact, really. My recent search of doc shows revealed a list by The Student Doctor Network which, by the way, did not include Scrubs. Let's look at the list, shall we?

ER (NBC)
Old school doctor show. The classic and the most successful, perhaps even the most realistic, but does little to give me optimism. Plus, Noah Wyle got so old and disheveled looking.

Strong Medicine (Lifetime)
See last post.

Doc (PAX)
Who watches PAX? I'm not even sure I know what PAX is. The Christian network?

Nip/Tuck (FX)
If this is about doctors, then Sex and the City is about journalism. Also another topic for another day.

The Residents (Discovery Health)
Resident Life (Discovery/TLC)
Trauma - Life in the ER (Discovery Health)
Kingdom Hospital (NBC?)
Critical Hour (Discovery Health)
All of the above: What?

Dr 90210 (E!)
The Real World version of Nip Tuck. It's more of a makeover show than anything else.

Doogie Howser
I have no idea. Quite honestly, it's before my time.

Chicago Hope
USC Medical
Super Surgery
Add to the list of What?

Where's General Hospital (not that I've seen it)?

Although I know Scrubs is extremely unrealistic, it gives me some hope for the future when I will being doing grueling studies and sleeping minimally. Why can't doctorism really be like Zach Braff playing practical jokes? Because being a doctor is serious, serious work. Maybe that's why doctor shows are so seldom funny or fun. However, TV doesn't fail to point out the circus which is law (see James Spader, a.k.a. Alan Shore).

Others: Grey's Anatomy, House. Medicine is sexy?

Take my advice: Scrubs is the only way we will ever remove our ingrained fear of sterile needles, germy waiting rooms, and death. Perhaps then my future won't look so grim.

And to end like Carrie "Bad-Writer" Bradshaw: Should I end my piece with a stupid question now?

Lifetime: Television for idiots.

One evening as I was leaving my house, my mom stopped me and said, "Be careful. There are some bad people out there. I just saw this movie where this girl..." blah blah blah. I came to the realization of what she was talking about. "Mom, were you watching Lifetime?" Don't get me wrong; my mom is incredibly insightful and shrewd about most things, but when it comes to American culture, she's still one foot in China.

Ah, Lifetime, how almost-persuasive you are. If you didn't know, Lifetime is advertised as "television for women." They're a champion in bad TV movies usually starring obsolete actresses like tall girl from Saved by the Bell and Chandler's mom. But what their advertising slogan isn't telling you is their strong social message. That is why I am here today: to clarify the complex nuances of Lifetime.

The many tenets of Lifetime:

1. Women are always being kidnapped, raped, molested, stalked, killed, assaulted, and victimized, but they maintain their dewy, fresh beauty and silky, styled hair.

2. Women, when not being kidnapped, raped, molested, stalked, killed, assaulted, and victimized, are hustling money from rich, old bastards and sleeping with their young, stupid sons.

3. Teenage girls are always popping out babies like clockwork.

4. Using the same soundtrack over and over is NOT a crime of cinema.

5. Correction: TV movies are NOT legitimate forms of cinema; therefore, it is permissible to use the same soundtrack over and over.

6. All actresses will eventually be desperate enough to star in a TV movie.

7. Men are scary, and we should all be scared of them because they will kidnap, rape, molest, stalk, kill, assault, and victimize.

8. Cable television will show any crap.

9. It is not desperate to repeatedly show The Nanny and The Golden Girls over and over, hoping for some sort of ratings.

10. It is not desperate to air a new reality show that has nothing to do with women, hoping for some ratings.

Tune in to New Movie Mondays where you will see more of the tenets of Lifetime.

Gourmet babies.

I visited Vox Popoli's blog a couple of days ago, and I was delighted to find a virtual playground for hyper-conservative kids with tribalistic hostility and extended vocabularies (Vox, on the other hand, is pretty decent). It's funny; I'm 18, and they're like 40. What exactly would you think of a situation where middle-aged, Jesus-loving, coots are ganging up on my opinions? I couldn't expect more attention or criticism if I were the president. It's quite flattering knowing that people are paying attention to my comments and coming to my blog to make fun of me. Then again, I'm not the one that looks like an asshole. They must be very threatened by un-conservative tides. Poor fools, unwilling to come to terms with the fact that it's okay to laugh at babies being eaten.

I have to admit: I googled "eat babies," and the image retrieved was this. I don't know about you, but this says to me eating babies is about the equivalent to fuzzy, white kittens. Well, what's so wrong with eating babies? The idea isn't even that novel. Jonathon Swift's A Modest Proposal makes some very excellent arguments: there is an overpopulation problem, babies make good food, and they taste delicious. If we ship thousands of unwanted babies to third world countries where people are dying from malnutrition, I'm sure some sort of solution could be worked out. Why don't they eat their own babies, you ask? Well, since they suffer from malnourishment, their babies can't be that meaty. They need some good, hearty babies born from America's zaftig teen mothers (the ones that end up being irresponsible and neglecting the chubby little guys, who end up becoming petty criminals from bad neighborhoods).

In fact, America is shockingly behind in the field of eating babies. As you can see here, the Chinese have been eating babies for years. Does America want to be labeled as a barbaric nation for not keeping up with current trends in gourmet cooking? No. Call your Congressman today, and demand your right to babies.

Yes, this was meant to offend everyone. Or whatever.

Blast from the past.

The new Doublemint commercial happens to be an old Doublemint commercial. This is obviously shameless reminis-ploitation. Really, it reminds us of simpler times with two-seater bikes and headbands. But does the gum taste any better? I remember it as tasting like rubber after five minutes. Perhaps Doublemint needs a makeover to demonstrate an improvement in taste and texture.

On the other hand, Old Spice chooses to entice us no longer with stinky, old fishermen. Instead, they caught up with the new trend to flaunt some girl parts at the camera. It's probably a desperate ploy to keep up with the scandalous Tag and Axe commercials often featuring "bad" behavior. And it works. That commercial sticks in my memory, and it reminds me of how I like Old Spice. Sure, the girl is gross, but it gets the job done.

Do the ends justify the means?

Homer can't relate.

It's refreshing to actually venture outside of a liberal college culture and see some real opinions out there that are not deeply rooted in Full House.

So I have discovered most of the world is dumbassed. It's delightful how no matter what your opinions are, you can express them in such a fashion that makes you an asshole. I want to know what happened to pleasant nonchalance. When did people start caring so much about the rest of the world? As far as I'm concerned, whatever works for me is fine. Spreading my ideology is the least of my worries.

That brings me to the whole concept of extremists. I hate them. To have such strong convictions is a very dangerous thing. We should learn from the present state of The Simpsons, with its new stream of non-sequitor plotlines, that maintaining one strategy of attack for anything will lead you to desperately seek relevance in the future. Hence the exaggerated attempts at post-modern comedy. Extremists have an inability to see clearly because they're too caught up "believing" in stuff. Evolution, man. You have to keep up to survive. Values are fleeting, but survival is crucial for, well, survival.

Right-wing misogynists are so funny. Cute little bastards.